The gang (when I say the gang that would be Timi, Gayl, Juy2x and I) were supposed to go to Tagaytay last weekend. We met Friday night and we were so excited planning the whole thing. Saturday came though and an unannounced family outing happened to be … announced (pardon the choice of words). They were scheduled for a beach outing at Subic Bay because my cousin and her fiancé arrived from Japan. I slept the night at Timi’s and mom called informing us about the beach outing early in the morning. Timi and I were quite hesitant so we said we’ll think about it. After an hour Tita Baby called almost quite begging and I just don’t know how to say no. So there we were stuck promising ourselves to be meeting with them when we have committed ourselves with the gang after lunch for Tagaytay.

 

Of course we have to cancel Tagaytay. Timi sent Gayl an SMS explaining the unannounced family outing. Of course Gayl wasn’t really excited about the whole thing. In a way I think she feels abandoned by Timi going; because if ever this situation happens to her Gayl would choose Timi over a family outing.

 

Despite that heavy feeling; Gayl still agreed to meet with Timi and me at Shangri-la so they could swap phones (Tim’s camera phone was with Gayl and she wanted to have it so we can take pictures by the beach). She brought Juy2x along with her and it was really silent in the car. She drove us to SM near my aunt’s place and the two loverduckies said goodbye and take care.

 

It was a long 3-hour trip and at first sight of the sea Timi and I are really excited. We planned to party the whole night. Go into some disco/bar by the sea and just dance the night away. Maybe meet a couple of guys, forget our sexual preferences and just have good clean fun as ladies! J

 

But most of the time, things don’t really go the way you plan it to be. 26 people ended up lodging in a one-bedroom house by a beach as dead as the cemetery (oh well, im exagerating!). It stinks, just when you think it couldn’t stink enough it still stinks! No disco by the sea, no dancing, no cuties to feast your eyes on – so much for forgetting sexual preferences.

 

My cousin and I don’t want to give up that easily though. We can’t change the fact that the place is a bummer as it is; but we can still have some fin, can’t we? So together by the beach we played the night away with “123 pass”, when it got boring for quite sometime “Bullshit” gave us a few laughs, but nothing really beats “patintero” by the sand. It was quite a workout actually and by almost 4am we are all poofed! But getting some shut-eye isn’t that easy when there’s no more space in the one bedroom hell of a place! So Timi and I went to this empty bar, had pina colada and bloody mary and played pool.

 

The sun was rising while our eyelids couldn’t take it any longer, and still no decent place to sleep. We were sitting at one of the beach chairs and I sugested that Timi sleeps for 10 minutes while I keep watch at her and she do the same to me. She gave me that laugh she makes when she is really irritated and we end up sleeping at the same time for about 5 minutes.

 

We really want to leave the place right there and then; thank goodness Gayl and Juy2x came to our rescue. Gayl was completely aware about this stinky outing we had and she wanted to come over to fetch Timi and bring her home comfortably. She travelled all the way from Cainta. Now that is what you call LOVE. Your sweetheart chose a family outing over your planned “thing”; and when things aren’t going so well on her side of the meadow you still come along to take her away from that unhappy place even if it’s a long drive from where you are.

 

There have been many other situations similar to this. I also have a lesbian friend who is as selfless. When I got home lying on my bed, I thought I envy Timi. She is really so lucky to have Gayl. It made me look back on my past relationships with men and not one has given me that kind of love and attention that Gayl gives to Timi. I play “Gayl” on a relationship, and it’s just so frustrating that I am expecting my man to be just like that.

 

Just before leaving Subic, I told Tim, “I hope that I will be able to find a man who would do such”. Timi replied, “I don’t know, I think only a woman is capable of such love”.  I suppose she is right in a way, women are naturally martyrs, much emotional and sentimental in a relationship, and men, are much more physical and sexual, well at least most of the men I got involved with (or maybe, I’m just not so lucky hooking up with the right decent, intellectual, sensitive type of guy). At this point in time I really can’t see myself being a lesbian still. I have had that question and I would say “My sexual preference is still straight”. I’m still young I suppose and I have a lot of time to try to find Mr. Right (or maybe a lot of time to wait until he finds me). I am not really in a rush, I’m happy being single at the moment, but it’s just so sad to look back and see myself being used and to love someone who could not reciprocate the same love I was giving. It just feels so frustrating that the near to perfect relationships I have seen are lesbian relationships, and it does feel lonely at times to see the kind of love you want right in front of you, and its something of a different orientation, and its something you “might” never have. L

One of my favorite French courses way back in college was French Translation. I currently landed a  job as a translator but I'm mostly dealing on logistics and technical stuff. However, my favorite form of translation was poetry because it really gives much challenge on how  a translator will be able to retain the original meaning and tone of the poem while incorporating the play of words in accordance with the poet's style.  The challenge is making your translation sound like author's original work of art.

I was browsing parisian15 blog and saw this lovely poem on which I decided to lubricate my rusty "poetic" translation skills :-) 

Mon rêve familier

Je fais souvent ce rêve étrange et pénétrant
D'une femme inconnue, et que j'aime, et qui m'aime
Et qui n'est, chaque fois, ni tout à fait la même
Ni tout à fait une autre, et m'aime et me comprend.

Car elle me comprend, et mon coeur, transparent
Pour elle seule, hélas ! cesse d'être un problème
Pour elle seule, et les moiteurs de mon front blême,
Elle seule les sait rafraîchir, en pleurant.

Est-elle brune, blonde ou rousse ? - Je l'ignore.
Son nom ? Je me souviens qu'il est doux et sonore
Comme ceux des aimés que la Vie exila.

Son regard est pareil au regard des statues,
Et, pour sa voix, lointaine, et calme, et grave, elle a
L'inflexion des voix chères qui se sont tues.

-Paul Verlaine

...and this is as far as my translation goes

My Familiar Dream

 

I often have this strange and haunting dream

Of a mysterious woman, whom I love, and whom loves me

And who is not, every time, neither completely the same

Nor completely another, whom loves me and understands me

 

Because she understands me, and my translucent heart

Only for her, Alas! Cease being a problem

Only for her, and the sweat on my pale face

Only she knows to replenish, midst crying

 

Is she brunette, blonde or red? Something I ignore

Her name? I recall it to be sweet and echoing

As those loved that life dispossessed

 

Her glance is identical to a statue’s glance

And for her voice, far, calm and serious; she has

The timbre of dear voices which have killed themselves

I think that sounds fairly good enough, comments and criticisms are welcome :p

Saturday night, I went to Baywalk with a few special fiends. It looks nice and cozy from the inside of an air-conditioned car, with the lights and “al fresco” cafes and restaurants. But what may be pleasing to the eyes may be heavy for the nose and the stench coming from Manila Bay is almost unbearable. It smelled of sewers mixed w/ the salty sea, plus the air was sticky and humid.  Timi looks really funny and was very silent with her hanky covering her nose and mouth. Sosyalin kasi :-p !  Such silence kind of gave me the fear that it wasn’t really a good idea going there and that it would be a lousy Saturday night out. But it turned out to be alright except for a small fight between the two “lover duckies” and I’m keeping my mouth shut on that one.

 

 Back to my story, after an hour, I guess we got accustomed with the “Baywalk breeze” we don’t smell it anymore or perhaps our noses had a breakdown all at the same time it’s time we take a seat and have dinner by the bay “yum!”. It was one of those much so often times I break the rule of the “after-6 diet” but who cares anyway?

 

We got ourselves a table for four, had pinakbet and liempo, and to complete the “ambiance” we had an acoustic singer with an F-defect singer. Imagine singing “All my Life” with the following lyrics : “I do recall, when every moment spent was wasted time…fut the fast away…fut the fast away” BEAT THAT!

 

Anyhoo, with these set of friends dessert was always a pack of cigarettes, a few laughs, and interesting “adult” conversations. We were playing “truth or truth”, I forgot who asked it, but when the improvised tissue holder was pointing at me, I got the question – what is the biggest bird on earth?*

 

“Malamang yung European”, Timi would jokingly say

 

True enough it was.

 

I think it was Gayl who asked me what happened to him, and I was surprised myself how I got teary-eyed narrating the mystery on how he just stopped writing, and communicating with me after a former boyfriend found out between us.

 

Joy asked if I loved him. I guess there’s a part of me that still does. What’s there not to love, he was charming, gentle, patient, mature, caring. Still he is a stranger and so am I to him. I wasn’t really prepared for this resurfacing of emotions. Remembering what I had lost and how much hurt I have caused to someone. I need not hoping for destiny nor think of it as serendipity. I need not dwelling on such. These are just feelings and they will pass away. I hope they just don’t keep coming back.

I fear of heights, of sitting on railings on the roof top, of climbing trees and skeleton ladders

Ang hirap kumain ng kanin at desenteng ulam pagkatapos mapurga ng pancit canton at yakisoba! yun lng! bow :-p

So, life may sometimes be so monotonous, and i can drown myself with all the self-pity i can afford, and dwell on that feeling of loneliness that resurfaces when I see couples trying to figure out what to buy in 7-11, and those who can afford to waste all their money in Apocento or just Starbucks with friends. But I guess this feeling is what adds the "extra" in "extra-ordinary" and "extravagance" harharhar!
So yeah, last weekend was a blast, it's time to put aside all the blues and be carefree with close friends which I haven't seen for a long long time. Dinner at Saisaki's was really heavy on the stomach and on the wallet too. Buffet and drinks cost about 650 pesos which is equal to a one week allowance! but heck! as long as it's not everyday! 
Planning on  a trip to laguna with timi, and a lot of things in the PPA that keeps me busy. Work has really gotten me understressed. We call it "hypnotizing the monitor", so I'm glad that there's something stressing me out. Thinking bout nothing keeps me in touch with my emotional side, which is really not good, it's really a mess "in" there.
So I really don't know what I'm writing about. It's like I just got so many things barging in my head, nothing would come out organized. But spontaniety is a good thing right?
Anyhoo, I just wanna say im HAPPY. and I've gotten over the LOVE crap desperation. it's just nice to have friends around and I'm okay with that...for now

I hear your  f o o t s t e p s inside my mind
silent tiptoes and culmsy MARCHES
I know you intended it for me to hear
and I can almost feel how that sly smile
c r a w l s on those lips as i label you "non-existent"

What noise you make on idle hours,
on late sleepless nights and lazy afternoons
stop singing late night lullabies
of heartaches and goodbyes
of could-have-beens and serendipities
STOP tOrtuRIng me!

You live under my bed and inside my closet
I lay wanting you under these sheets
and the coat I wear is your arms around me
How come you can be so faaaar and yet live inside me?

Thoughts of you in a crowded place make me feel                          ALONE
how I search unfamiliar faces for what might be yours
because heaven knows I'd see you in a heartbeat
so as to affirm that you do EXIST
The only time you felt so real, was that enchanting nightmare of a dream


Author's Note: What can I say, I've been poetic lately